


"All I know is pain."

by orphan_account



Series: angst of the Tommy [1]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Gen, How Do I Tag, Lowercase, Mentioned Toby Smith | Tubbo, Mentioned Wilbur Soot, Sad TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27660512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: heavily based off of meee and my experiencesss because its a veeenttttitle is a quote from tommy
Series: angst of the Tommy [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022563
Comments: 5
Kudos: 137





	"All I know is pain."

it was common knowledge that tommy's best friend was wilbur. he was always found talking to wilbur, laughing with wilbur, helping with wilbur, anything with wilbur.

tommy gave all of his time and effort into making his friend happy. he would drop anything if asked to, he would go through anything just to see him smile

("tommy, i lost my sword down by the cave spider spawner. no one else will go down, can you do it please?"

"okay!"

he was terrified of spiders. wilbur knew he was scared of spiders. but no one else would help wilbur, and he knew wilbur would need his sword at some point. wilbur would be very happy if he did this, and if wilbur was happy, he was happy. maybe he would talk to him more if he did? maybe he would feel more inclined to talk to him? he wouldn't know if he chose to opt out, and that would make wilbur sad.

he couldn't make wilbur sad.)

and maybe, sometimes wilbur didnt have the time to spend on him. wilbur had other friends, friends so much cooler then dumb whiney tommy. he could completely understand the other leaving him out and focusing on everyone else. clearly, tommy wasnt worth anyone's time. tommy didnt deserve to whine, he was lucky wilbur even tolerated him in the first place. he didnt deserve wilbur, he was too kind, too smart, too cool for him. and yet, wilbur let him exist near him, and tommy couldnt be happier.

(tommy didnt deserve to be near anyone, exist near anyone. he screwed up everything, and no one wanted to be near him. but it was okay, because he deserved it. every single insult and piece of self-hatred was his own fault. he deserved every second of sorrow and unescapable emptiness.)

when wilbur went off to different serves, leaving him alone once again, tommy had trouble speaking to others. he didn't understand it, how he could be so nervous around people.

everyone else was able to talk to people perfectly fine, their conversations seemed elegant compared to his ugly stammers and awkward shifts.

he remembered the one time where wilbur went to a different server for a week straight. every day was a nightmare, and he could hardly bare to be awake. he hardly ate, and fumbled around with his usual chores. he felt so utterly alone without wilbur there to help him out, to help him out with talking to people.

(stupid, useless tommy. he couldn't even talk to people. no wonder wilbur chose to spend his time elsewhere. tommy was just like a child, clingy and a crybaby. children had no place near someone as perfect and incredible as wilbur, someone so capable in anything. he was wasting wilbur's time even existing near him. useless, useless, useless.)

he knew he was selfish, talking to wilbur. he didn't deserve even a second of the older's day, and yet he kept taking it up and more. more and more and more. 

yet wilbur was the only one who didn't shun him or yell at him. to be fair, he didn't do much with him, sometimes helping hin out with work or small jobs. and that was okay with him. it just showed that he cared. wilbur was always there for him.

of course, wilbur didn't listen to his problems. nobody did. they had their own problems, and they didn't have the time to deal with his stupid child problems.

then there was tubbo. someone who he'd considered his best friend, someone who he'd abandoned to have a chance of being wilbur's friend.

(he could remember watching tubbo openly sob, begging for him to just talk with him. then wilbur started to walk off, and he did too.

he was a fucking asshole. he didn't deserve someone as patient as tubbo. he knew tubbo didnt have many friends, and when he was finally someone's everything, he left them behind. he didn't deserve anyone's positivity.)

he hated himself for every second he saw tubbo upset. he could still feel the guilt clawing at his stomach, curling and grinding, oh so faint but so very cold.

he remembered apologising to tubbo, and tubbo instantly becoming attached to him again. he felt somewhat happy, knowing he should be spending more time making wilbur happy, but tubbo obviously cared so much about him, that he had to repay tubbo for all those weeks of sadness.

then tubbo found new friends.

(he knew it would happen, of course. he couldn't have expected tubbo, incredible, patient, intelligent, perfect tubbo to stay with disgusting, awful, dumb, unworthy him. tubbo had every right to abandon him, to leave him in the dust to hang out with perfect friends, who appreciated him as much as he deserved to be.

tommy was so very happy for his friend, so happy he did what was right for him, instead of being near tommy. tommy didnt deserve tubbo's time.)

everyone that surrounded him was perfect in their own unique way. they all fit together like a beautiful puzzle, coming together to form pictures of incredible friendships. they talked together, worked together, laughed together, were together in such an elegant way that tommy could never hope to achieve.

if everyone on the smp was a puzzle piece, tommy was a manufacturing mistake. he was a piece from a different puzzle, destined to never find it's place to form a bigger picture. everyone else was perfect, and he was tommy. he didn't fit with anyone, unneeded and unwanted. and that was okay.

but was he?


End file.
